Johnny Mckee, aka "Last night's convict"

Filler. Filler. Filler. That’s about the only word that can describe last night’s episode of Alcatraz on FOX.

The prisoner of the hour was Johnny McKee, a former chemistry professor, who poisons people because a pretty girl and the football team had a laugh at his expense back in high school. In the flashback scenes, he poisons the prison yard bully. In the present day scenes, McKee poisons a few cocktails, killing a couple of night club patrons. Then he poisons the swimming pool of a country club, killing about six or seven men. Then he poisons a subway train, but Detective Madsen and Emerson Hauser arrive in time to save the passengers and electrocute McKee on the tracks, of course, not before Madsen is once again held hostage by the 63er from behind.

That’s it. That’s all that happened in the show. Before the show started it was 8:00 PM and when it was over, well, it was 9:00 PM and then I did something else.

If Alcatraz had gained any steam with its last two to three episodes, it extinguished it PDQ with last night’s procedural bland fest. Convict appears. Convict commits signature acts of violence/crime. Lead characters use clues from convict’s cardboard box to locate convict. Convict is captured.

There were moments that had potential, both involving Jack Sylvane (the convict from the pilot). There was one scene near the end where he told Hauser he no longer dreams, which could be interesting as it relates to Lucy’s methods from the ‘60s regarding vanquishing traumatic memories from the prisoners’ minds. But it was just a brief comment in an otherwise yawn-inducing hour.

Perhaps the scene with the most potential was one in which Madsen interrogated Sylvane. Sylvane’s cell was directly next to McKee’s when both were in Alcatraz, so Madsen tried to get a little back story on McKee while interjecting a few questions about the mysterious disappearance of Sylvane and his cohorts. Every time she did so, Hauser was quick to reprimand her and instruct her to only ask questions regarding McKee, and, well … Madsen obliged. Is she a lapdog or a detective? There is this incredibly giant, paranormal event her every waking hour now revolves around and she seems content to ignore it entirely and focus solely on catching one convict at a time. Isn’t it about time for her to get in Hauser’s face and say, “WTF, man?” W.T.F. Apparently not. Apparently she will just continue to eat dumplings in blissful ignorance while we at home scratch our heads with frustration.

Were there more to discuss from the plot of last night’s episode I might be willing to overlook the awfulness of her character, but since there was not, break out the paddles and let’s really give this dead horse a beatin’.

As I’ve already pointed out, she’s a pretty useless detective, but does she have to be a vapid human being as well? Have you noticed that she, nor anyone else really other than Doc Soto from the “Kit Nelson” episode ever really seem to care about the victims? Most cop dramas and TV shows/movies in the genre of Alcatraz usually limit an episode to one or two victims with the cops/detectives having apparent emotional interest invested in saving/avenging them, whereas Alcatraz is not shy about its mounting death total. No sir. In last night’s episode alone, there were eight people killed. In last week’s episode, there were corpses in the double digits. Does anyone care? It doesn’t seem like it. Hell, last week Madsen made a joke about switching to decaffeinated coffee while mutilated bodies (plural) were being loaded into an ambulance behind her. Ha! Caffeine!

She is useless and it would seem Doc is as well. Outside of blurting out random facts that both Hauser and Madsen could know were they to read one of his books, what does he offer? In fact, last night, a super computer pretty much stole his thunder in identifying McKee, which is usually Soto’s key contribution each week. Is technology weeding him out? Oh, wait, no … he Googles things. I forgot. Better hold on to him.

And, in case you are wondering, Hauser wasn’t interesting last night either, but I’m willing to give him a reprieve as he was mildly intriguing last week. Mildly.

So, to paraphrase. The lackluster characters lacked lust. The convicts were still incredibly narrow-focused and ambivalent about their 21st century surroundings, although at one point McKee did confuse a smartphone for a TV and was told it was, “the internet.” And the 63ers are apparently no longer able to dream? Or maybe that’s just Sylvane? Tune in next week. Or don’t. Really, until a total rewrite of the characters occurs, I probably wouldn’t blame you.

Highlights:

Warden James making “ding” noises throughout the episode. It seemed a little out of place, but, for whatever reason, I enjoyed it.

Lowlights:

After Soto informs Madsen of the night club poisonings that occur in the middle of the night, she tells him, “she’ll be right there.” Cut to them meeting in front of the night club in the middle of the morning discussing whether each had slept last night. So much for being right there.

Mysteries/Answers:

Jack Sylvane no longer dreams since reappearing.

Hauser seems intrigued when Sylvane mentions a hole beneath “the hole” located on Alcatraz. One of the first times he has seemed genuinely confused by an aspect of the mythology of the show.

Kevin

Is the Philly crew really all that bad?

Maybe I’m too trusting, but they seem awfully alright most of the time. This isn’t the biker gang from Dawn of the Dead, busting into our heroes’ safemall and destroying all sense of order and decency. These are just some dudes with a couple rough edges.

Yeah, okay, they mighta booed Santa Claus. Or puked on some little girl for fun. But that was then. This is now.

There are zombies all over this place. Santa Claus and little girls are symbols of hope for all people. (As long as they’re still alive, I guess.)

Let’s shift our DVRs back to “Nebraska”. Rick suggests that Dave and Tony take their saucy selves and head to where the sun don’t shine (i.e. Nebraska). Dave reaches for his gun. Rick shoots Dave. Tony begins to raise his shotgun. Rick shoots him too. And then Rick makes sure they’re both dead.

In this week’s “Triggerfinger”, Rick is reminded why gunning people down in a bar isn’t full of incredible foresight.

Again, these guys don’t seem too bad. They don’t want any trouble. They just want their dudes.

Rick, realizing that the whole Dave and Tony thing went down about as well as a Terrell Owens signing, catches everyone up with the plot. And while he does it, he echoes Dave’s words about things everyone regrets. And how we all just need to move on.

Is Rick remorseful? Or does he want to shoot his cake and eat it too? Is he second-guessing his descent into the world of cynicism?

No matter. Everybody starts shooting and a couple people die and a couple people live and one fella jumps off a building and impales his leg on a fence. Ouch.

Alright, so I already asked three rhetorical questions of you. But let me ask one more.

How did Rick expect the whole situation was going to down from the point he confessed to the shootout? Worst case scenario: the way it did, maybe worse. Best case scenario: a replay of the standoff with Dave and Tony.

The Philadelphians can sit just out of sight and wait for you to go back to your family and friends and that other Greene girl. And if they want, they’ll kill you all. That’s what you were afraid of, Rick.

If you’re going to kill the living in preemptive defense, you better grow a pair when you do it. Grow a pair of giant ear lobes like your buddy Shane.

And that’s where we get back to the other major work going on in this episode. Redrawing the line between Rick and Shane.

While Rick’s little white fib to Dave has spun into a massive gun battle, Shane has dropped one giant lump of coal of a lie to Lori. Maybe it only feels so large because Lori has been over Shane and his gigantic ear lobes for a good season and a half now. Shane’s not over Lori though. Oh boy, is Shane ever not.

When Shane and Lori have their little private chat, actor Jon Bernthal takes his character to a captivating emotional stranglehold. Shane finds out that Rick knows about the whole sordid affair, and something clearly disconnects within the antihero’s brain. Wires are crisscrossing and exploding.

The thing is, for all these moments where Shane reveals himself as hopelessly broken, he and Rick are remarkably similar. Rick’s not quite ready to go the whole way, but we’ve seen him pull the trigger. When Andrea tells Shane it’s his presentation that needs work, she’s laying bare the subtle difference between Rick and Shane. Rick just happens to be a better salesman of his excursions into martial chaos.

When Lori whispers into Rick’s ear at the end of the episode, she’s trying to make Rick see that he and Shane aren’t all that different. And that’s why something has to be done to stop Shane.

Stop him from doing exactly what Rick would do.

If Rick had elephantiasis ear lobes.

Moments of Note that Aren’t Really Worth Noting
Camp Daryl! What was that all about? I like Daryl when he’s wandering in the woods making everyone else look bad. I’m not sure I understand his purpose anywhere else. I’m not sure he does either.

Andrea and Dale sit near each other! Hurry it up, you two.

Glen and Maggie love each other so hard they might die because of it! Slow it down, you two.

Zombie Kill-of-the-Season Nominee of the Week
Lori stabbing the face-scraped zombie is clearly the episode’s signature zombie kill. And a bunch of zombies eating one of the Philly fellas’ faces off is the signature reverse scenario. But I’m nominating the moment where Glenn shoots a walker in the neck, which subsequently bursts every which way but up. A nice little bit of detail work there by the effects team. It could have been a chest shot. It could have been a head shot. But somebody decided that it was time for a neck shot. Well played.

Cast of The River on ABC

Well, the third episode, or third hour of The River, if you will, was not as good as the first two. That’s a fact, Jack! And by fact, I mean my opinion. But, I still enjoyed it so that’s neat. Shall we continue? Let’s …

Last night’s episode opened with the family and former crew of Emmet Cole scouting the next location that could lead to his whereabouts. Lena spots a mysterious cave in several of the video tapes Dr. Cole had left behind, determines its whereabouts on a map and they’re off!

Personally, if it were me, I’d still be prettay prettay freaked out by the whole ghost girl/doll tree incident from hour two of the premiere, but Lincoln, Tess and the crew have apparently forgotten all about it and are ready to hit the jungle once again. Evil spirits be damned!

On their way to the cave, Jahel, resident expert on all Amazon curses/legends/crap/etc., spots a chalk drawing of a giant eyeball, the insignia of a tribe on the island known as The Morcegos. The lowdown on the Morcegos is that these dudes watch for selfish children and then punish them. So, if you’re reading kids, share your Capri Sun at lunch and whatnot, or else the Morcegos are gonna get you! Bwaa Haa Haa Haa *cough* …

Shortly after spotting the eyeball, the gang comes across the cave. AJ refuses to enter due to a previous tragic event in his life that found him trapped underground for over a month (foreshadowing), but the rest push forward. In the cave they find a man with no eyeballs and some bats that shit all over them, which AJ later finds to be hilarious. All in all, the cave really offers no clues to Dr. Cole’s whereabouts and they decide to set up camp for the night and make AJ sleep elsewhere ‘cause he apparently hurt their feelings by laughing at them and they are also all roughly five years old. In the night, the Morcegos show up and paint their eyeball insignia around the camp and get down to some other shenanigans. To this point, I’m wondering why no one ever keeps watch at night on The River? Ahh, well.

In the morning everyone freaks out about the drawings and gets ready to rock and roll, until they can’t find Emilio. And they’re all like, “Emilio!” (sorry, Night at the Roxbury reference). When they find him, he is blind as a bat and Jahel is like, “Yup! Morcegos! Told ya.” So, they head back to the Magus, but on the way Clark shoots a boar, confusing it for a member of the Morcegos, which Jahel believes is really going to piss off the tribe. And of course, she is right, because they follow the crew back to the boat with pointy sharp things.

By the time the crew returns to the Magus, Tess is also blind and Jahel and Clark lose their sight shortly after. Lena and Lincoln discover a tree in Dr. Cole’s journal that should help cure the blindness virus that’s spreading and when Clark goes to tell Kurt about it, Kurt stabs him in the gut ‘cause he thought it was a Morcego sneaking up on him. Oops! So, now Clark is blind with a serious knife wound that Lincoln must tend to, therefore Lena volunteers to find the tree with Kurt and AJ who both still have their sight.

Those three head off in a raft in search of the tree, while the rest remain on the Magus to deal with Clark and their lack of sight and whatnot. Little do they know the Marcegos have already infiltrated the boat. Gasp!

Side Note: What little we see of the Morcegos is fairly disturbing. Their eye sockets are black as Felix the Cat while their skin is pale white with stitches all around their necks and appendages. Simply put, if you saw a Morcegos walk into your local Hardee’s, you’d probably drop your Frisco Breakfast sandwich ASAP and bolt, Usain style.

Lincoln and Clark lock the doors to their location on the boat while Jahel, Emilio and Tess hole up in Dr. Cole’s private quarters with the Morcegos banging on the doors and deck windows. Eventually Lincoln has to cauterize Clark’s wound with a hot knife, but not before forcing a confession out of him regarding a possible affair between him and Tess. Clark confesses that Dr. Cole left Tess for this one last journey and that she was lost and alone, but that they did not have a physical affair.

"Let's go find that tree!" Or something like that.

Meanwhile, once Lena, Kurt and AJ arrive to the location of the tree, they see other Morcegos on their tail. They manage to hide from them and evade them while gigantic slugs crawl up and down their business. Eeeehh … Once the coast is clear, they continue their search for the tree, that is until both Kurt and Lena go blind leaving AJ as the only member of the crew able to see (likely because he didn’t sleep near them all when the Marcegos poisoned them in the night … or because he didn’t go in the cave. I’m not sure.). AJ makes like a chicken and runs off, leaving Lena and Kurt behind, but somehow manages to stumble upon the tree and has a change of heart, one which requires him to crawl beneath the tree to procure the bulb that cures the blindness. Unfortunately as he makes his way through the hole, the ground starts to cave in above him.

At the same time back at the boat, Clark is fed up with the Morcegos attack and emerges from the locked room to claim the blame for killing the boar and for them all being on this journey to begin with. It’s one of the few heartfelt moments that The River has had to offer thus far. The Morcegos recognize this unselfish act and slink off into the shadows, while the Morcegos near the tree pull AJ out to safety with the bulb in tow. For those of you still not seeing the morale of the story, I’ll give you a hint … don’t eat shellfish. HA! Just kidding. It’s don’t be selfish. Oh, me!

Before AJ returns to Kurt and Lena in the jungle, we once again see Kurt talking on his satellite phone to someone demanding an extraction. Eventually AJ, Lena and Kurt all return to the Magus and spread the bulb around until eventually everyone can see again. Hooray!

That’s all I have to say about that since there were essentially no elements of the episode revolving around the mysteries presented in the premiere of The River or even much discussion regarding the disappearance of Dr. Cole. Maybe next week?

Scariest Moment of the Episode:

Although it wasn’t necessarily “scary” per say, the giant slugs crawling all over AJ, Lena and Kurt were uber disgusting.

Mysteries of the Episode:

Umm. Hmm. Yeah? Well, Dr. Cole is still missing I suppose.

Kevin

Sam Neill as Emerson Hauser

You won’t believe it, but there were portions in last night’s episode of Alcatraz where Emerson Hauser was, like, a real person and whatnot, with feelings and things. Feelings! I know!

In the episode’s opening scene, we see a brief interaction/flirtation session between a young Hauser and Lucy back in the ‘60s, which tells us his feelings for her all these years have been more than plutonic and, later on, he seems genuinely upset by the fact that a “good man” is murdered. It was quite the pleasant surprise; however the same still cannot be said for Rebecca Madsen. She is still as awful as ever.

Paxton Petty was the criminal of the hour, a Korean War vet who was court-martialed after killing a group of Korean children overseas, claiming they were already “miniature soldiers.” Because of his indiscretion, all of his bravery throughout the war went ignored and Petty was not awarded the Silver Star, like the rest of his platoon. Drats! To get back at Uncle Sam, Petty started burying landmines in public places, killing dozens of American civilians before being captured and sent to Alcatraz. Of course, upon being “reborn” in 2012, Petty isn’t like, “What the hell is an iPad?” or “Why do teenage boys where girls pants these days?” but is rather, “I need to find me some landmines and start doin’ my thang!”

And do his thang he does.

After a landmine goes off in a San Francisco park, Hauser, Madsen and “Doc” Soto are called to the scene. After a brief chit and chat with a bomb squad member named Tanner, Bland & Blander, aka Madsen & Soto, discover that Petty uses broken bits of Silver Star medals as the shrapnel for his mines. Clever, Mr. Petty. Clever indeed. They go off to detectivate (not a real word) that lead, while Hauser intends to find the locations where Petty plans to bury three more sets of mines, which is apparently his MO … planting four sets of landmines that is, and, apparently, the fourth set from the ’60s was never found to this point. Apparently.

How does Hauser intend to do that? Well, in the Alcatraz flashbacks, we see Petty succumbed to various elements of torture in order to make him reveal the location of the fourth set of landmines from the ‘60s. Dr. Bouregard repeatedly dunks him in freezing water to no avail, which leads to a more tender approach from Lucy in which she poisons him with tea and submits him to electro shock. Look, I said “more tender” not “tender.” Anyways, it works and the next thing you know Petty is singing a Korean lullaby in the innocent tones of a toddler.

The mysterious lullaby leads to a cameo by, wait for it, wait for it … Tommy Madsen. Yup! Madsen is a Korean War vet himself and promises to tell Lucy the meaning behind the lullaby if she will find out why he has been forced to spend so much time in the infirmary “donating” blood (turns out Madsen was/is the man behind the curtain from earlier episodes, like I had assumed). Lucy obliges and Madsen informs her that lullabies were used as codes for the locations of landmines in which each verse of the lullaby contains a clue to a buried location.

Dr. B and the Warden chatting it up on Alcatraz

That’s about all the flashbacks had to offer from last night’s episode. Lucy does briefly confront Dr. Bouregard about the blood tests, but he gets uber defensive to the max and tells her mind her beeswax. And mind it she does. And, we also see her visit Hauser at SF PD where she prompts him to ask her out for dinner before the two go to search for the fourth landmine at “Twin Trees.”

Back to present day. All too familiar with the lullaby code, Hauser uses the lyrics of the second verse to discern that Petty’s plans to plant landmines at Sunset Beach as well as Windward Elementary School. He calls Madsen to tell her and Soto to stake out the school while he heads to Sunset Beach, but not before Madsen informs him that she and Doc found Petty’s landmine/Silver Star stash with some spray paint and other such “landmine planting paraphernalia” in a tomb in a military graveyard.

Once Hauser reaches Sunset Beach, he sees Petty planting a landmine (note to self: how many times can one use the phrase “planting a landmine” in the review of a TV show). Hauser approaches Petty, but, wouldn’t you know it, he steps on an landmine in the process and is left standing there while Petty gets off scott-free, that is, until he arrives at Windward Elementary School where Madsen gets the jump on him ASAP.

Madsen tries to call Hauser on his cell phone, but finds that Petty has it in his possession. This leads to the predictable portion of the episode in which Madsen and Soto use the exact same methods as Hauser did to find Sunset Beach and then go there with Petty in tow to discover Hauser just chillin’ like a villain on the beach/landmine in the middle of the night.

The aforementioned Tanner and his bomb squad mates to the rescue! After some witty banter between Hauser and Madsen in which they make light of the fact he is standing on an explosive, Tanner instructs the two to dive behind a nearby blast wall while he stops the trigger mechanism from setting of the mine. Bing! Bang! and literally Boom! You see, Hauser and Madsen make it to safety and just as Tanner is about to celebrate his victory over Petty/landmine, the thing blows up in his hand and the shrapnel, well, it shrapnels his face and kills him instantly. Thanks for your one episode run on Alcatraz, Tanner! Now please enjoy a pastry from the Kraft Service table.

Oh, Tanner. We barely knew ye.

The whole “stuck standing on a landmine incident/Tanner death” thing kind of pisses Hauser off, so he shoots Petty in the leg and then tricks him into divulging the location of the fourth set of landmines from the ‘60s which he and Lucy were never able to find.

Before the episode ends, Hauser goes to the hospital to tell Lucy the news of the ‘60s landmine location, then pulls out all of her life support plugs and makes an escape with her in his arms. He takes her to the modern-day Alcatraz bunker where Dr. Bouregard is waiting and is apparently able to fix her with some sort of medicine/technology/voodoo or something? Who knows?

Highlights

-Evidence of a human being within the Emerson Hauser character
-Lack of a “rifle through inmate’s cardboard box” scene

Lowlights

-Beginning scene in which Petty is still at the initial crime scene and Madsen chases him but he still has a landmine in his backpack and uses it to escape. Why was he at the scene? Why did he have an extra landmine?

-Petty including the lullaby along with his ransom note for $651,000. Here’s the thing about that, Petty. Don’t do that!

Mysteries/Answers

-Lucy apparently has no knowledge of the blood tests on Alcatraz.

-Madsen is the man behind the curtain.

-There are no records of Lucy/female doctors ever working at Alcatraz.

-Petty seems to have no idea what happened to him in 1963 and only remembers going to sleep in his cell and waking up in 2012. This means that some inmates/63ers are apparently valuable to those responsible for the incident (Sylvane, Hastings, etc.) while others have been left to just reappear and do whatever comes naturally, I suppose. What makes each inmate special or not special? Why are some chosen and some not?

Kevin

Glen Campbell – Following his recent Alzheimer’s diagnosis & subsequent farewell album/tour, the Rhinestone Cowboy himself took to the stage for an unexpectedly rousing performance of his signature hit, proving he can still deliver the goods in the face of this crippling disease. I can’t say the same for The Band Perry and Blake Shelton, who paid tribute to the man beforehand with their own not-at-all-interesting takes on classic Campbell tunes.

Bon Iver wins something – Eau Claire native Justin Vernon, frontman for indie darlings Bon Iver, may have stirred some controversy with his firm stance on turning down a Grammy performance offer, but after being named Best New Artist it seemed many a frown was successfully turned upside down with his modest speech, in which he joked about his win and thanked, among other people, his beloved Wisconsin hometown. Elements of the speech may be construed as ungrateful, but to me he came off as nothing more than passionate about his craft. He’s not someone who needs the accolades to do what he does. Well done, sir.

Foo Fighters win something – Though Dave Grohl & Co. have taken home numerous statuettes for much of the past decade, to the point where they seemingly own the category of Best Rock Album, frontman Dave Grohl’s words of acceptance struck a chord (pun intended) with many a musician the world over, directly stressing the importance of playing an instrument and learning the art of making music -no need to rely on a machine to do it for you. It may not have captured every artist’s attention (see below), but it definitely captured mine.

Beach Boys/Maroon 5/Foster the People – Arguably, one of the most anticipated moments came from the knowledge that the original Beach Boys lineup would reunite for the first of many upcoming shows at this year’s Grammys, and when the first notes of the legendary “Good Vibrations” rang out against the walls of the Staples Center, it became immediately evident that the boys were back, and not leaving town anytime soon. Capping off an already great moment were stunning performances of “Surfer Girl” by Maroon 5 and “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” but Foster the People, both nailing the sound made famous by Wilson & Spector and introducing a versatility not previously seen in either group. I will say that the lead singer of Foster the People has some of the creepiest eyes I’ve ever seen, but I’ll complain about that a different time.

Paul McCartney (Performance #2) w/Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, other people – Sir Paul may not have won me over with his off-key warbling in his first performance earlier in the evening (see below), but redemption was the flavor of the moment when he returned to the stage for a killer take on “Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End” joined during the latter half by Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, and a couple of other guys. Age hasn’t slowed this former Beatle down one iota – if anything, he’s only gotten better.

The Civil Wars – A brief performance of “Barton Hollow” before Taylor Swift stunk up the stage (see below) made me realize how badly this duo needs to reach a wider audience. Having heard the song last fall at a bluegrass tribute on PBS, it was a true joy to hear it again, and one can only hope it leads to something more for this burgeoning talent.

The So-Sos:

Bruce Springsteen – Yeah, The Boss can still tear it up even at the tender age of 63, but the show opening performance of his new song “We Take Care Of Our Own” seemed a little phoned-in. Or maybe I just don’t like the song, which sounds far too similar to his older material while failing to break any new ground. Then again, it’s always hard to say anything bad about the guy – the fact that he can do what he does at his age and still bring about a youthful mentality to his shows still makes him a true American hero to me, as well as many others.  Keep playing those classics!

Foo Fighters (Performance #1) – Again, it’s hard to be disparaging about my all-time favorite rock group, but when the Foos turned up the rock for the only time that evening, the Grammy-winning “Walk” off the Grammy-nominated Wasting Light ended up sounding a bit too fast and a bit too bland, despite an exciting intro by Grohl’s BFF Jack Black. Even so, it still managed to outshine numerous other moments from the awards show, namely Chris Brown’s earlier televised exercise in lip syncing – hey, wasn’t it Grohl who mentioned something about musicians actually performing their own music (see above)?

Foo Fighters (Performance #2) – Enclosed within an all-white room that echoed last year’s video for the song, the band gave the eager crowd a few bars of the single, “Rope” which would have been fine had it not transitioned into a confusing live remix piloted by deadmau5. This strange occurrence even served to mar an infectious second performance by Chris Brown, who livened up the crowd immediately before the Foos with accompaniment by David Guetta. I’m also told Li’l Wayne was there. I didn’t notice him, either.

Jason Aldean w/Kelly Clarkson – As a non-country music fan, it’s odd to admit I actually enjoy Jason Aldean’s ”Don’t You Wanna Stay” which features vocal trade-offs and well-matched harmonies with Kelly Clarkson, but the Gods of Good Grammy Performances weren’t on Aldean’s nor Clarkson’s sides last night, which pretty much included every audio error but the kitchen sink (if the kitchen sink were chucked at the sound board). The professionalism was on point, however, as the two laughed off the countless technical problems like a couple of seasoned vets, but it was hard not to feel bad for Aldean during his Grammy debut. You’ll get ‘em next time, slugger.

Adele – While admittedly possessing an amazing set of vocal pipes, Adele’s cocky, know-it-all attitude, rumors of chain-smoking and 100% lack of stage presence during her thousandth rendition of “Rolling In The Deep” (echoing a similar bland performance of, “Someone Like You” at last fall’s VMAs) hasn’t necessarily made a fan out of this blogger, and the countless Grammy wins didn’t help. I realize these feelings may be a personal, but c’mon, she was even caught chewing gum during much of the telecast (slaps own forehead in frustration). Plus, I do believe she also made mention of the fact that she should “probably thank her doctors” for assisting with her vocal difficulties last fall.  How about ” definitely thank” instead?  Just my opinion.

The Awful:

Taylor Swift – Oh, Taylor. Sweet Taylor. Your sickeningly annoying girl-next-door persona has long since overstayed its welcome, and when you took to the stage with your army of backing musicians, all clothed in unusual old-fashioned attire, to perform “Mean” which is (shockingly) about another ex-boyfriend, your unnecessary rocking out on the banjo (did you really need to play that thing with a pick?), habit of staring into the camera as opposed to, say, the audience, and dreamy “I’m America’s Damn Sweetheart” look on your face during the surprising standing ovation has only made us all the more irritated. Or maybe it’s just me again. Either way, knock it off. Oh, and when you don’t win an award later in the evening, don’t look so disappointed. Remind yourself that consolation is only hours away, when you can presumably relax while penning your next breakup tune and polishing your countless other Grammys/ACMs/CMAs.

Coldplay (and Rhianna) – Apparently, Coldplay and Rhianna have a song on Coldplay’s newest release Mylo Xyloto, which they did together in the song’s live debut during the awards show. Having never heard this particular tune before, I could scarcely believe how much I didn’t like it, especially when it led right into the sounds-like-a-watered-down-version-of-other-Coldplay-songs “Paradise”. Performing these numbers didn’t help either, as all artists involved seemed to be exhaustively going through the motions, delivering something I doubt many people will remember next year, next month, next week or right now.

Paul McCartney (Performance #1) – Leave the romantic Valentine’s ballad for the romantic Valentine’s types, which you are not. Wow, was that bad.

Tony Bennett & Carrie Underwood – Underwood can sing like there’s no tomorrow, Bennett can croon with the best of them. Together, does this a good combination make? No, it most certainly does not.

Katy Perry – Keeping with last night’s trend of music directed at an ex (a dreadful group which includes the aforementioned Adele and Taylor Swift), the former Mrs. Russell Brand went from the catchy “E.T.” into a new song about said Arthur star, a moment in which I couldn’t decide if it was the song or the dancing that was worse. Probably both. Furthermore “E.T.” ended abruptly with a pre-planned onstage explosion of lights, distorted electronic sounds and a complete blackout, causing me to wonder if something had just gone terribly wrong. And, in a way, something did. That new song sucked.

The absence of Lady Gaga – Though in attendance and nominated for several major awards, the show did lack for the first time in years another memorable Gaga performance, bizarre but memorable wardrobe changes and societal rants during her award presentations/acceptance speeches. Didn’t feel right. I dunno.

Nicki Minaj – No words. What the fuck was that?

Brian

Last we saw our heroes, they gunned down a little girl in front of a barn.

Needless to say, nobody feels great about how that shook out.

The farmocide is about as gooda point for a midseason break as there’s been in a television show.

Hope drove the first half of the season. There was the search for Sophia. The deer in the woods. The Jesus. The discovery of a doctor on a farm who could heal people like he healed animals. Yeah, a lot of dark, depressing stuff happened too… But we believed that for every time Shane shot some guy in the leg, there’d be a time that Shane delivered medical supplies to keep some kid alive.

Sure, it was a zero sum game, but as long as the sum was zero there was a chance of a world of flowers and teddy bears somewhere down the road.

Then we realized that there was no way Sophia could still be alive. Just as the audience abandoned hope, Shane incited an insurrection. Sophia became doubly dead. And Hershel’s hope at curing his wife and neighbors became a big pile of rotting zombie flesh.

For his contribution to the narrative’s progression, Shane receives a slap on the face. Oh, and flips the metaphorical switch in Hershel’s head to “Get off my lawn.”

Nice work, Shane. You’re the guy who’s figured out that you’ll always win in Zombieland if you’re trying to get a losing hand.

Just before Bear McCreary’s strings swell into the opening credits, Shane has a few words for Rick about how this all went down. Cynicism takes a cheap shot at optimism. Kapow.

The Walking Dead is back.

So, yeah, the farmocide really did a number on everyone. Carol heads to the woods to rip up flowers. Darrell starts sharpening sticks. Dale stares at Shane — I mean, really stares at him. Maggie and Glenn try to argue but can’t really muster the enthusiasm for it. That other Greene girl collapses. Hersh packs up his wife’s clothes and hits the bottle.

They’re all forced to confront that the people they loved were gone long before the barnyard massacre. Setting up burial plans, Andrea insists, “We bury the ones we love and burn the rest.” Carol counters the notion strongly when she insists that Sophia isn’t what’s going to be buried in the ground. This idea is a subtle, powerful layer in the zombie mythos: the finality of death and our corporal aid for mourning a spiritual lost is taken from us when a corpse becomes a walking foe.

But the pressing moment in the episode’s opening scenes is when Carl reflects on Sophia’s death to Lori. Carl talks about his dream of saving Sophia, and then takes the hard turn to say that gunning his zombified peer down was the right thing to do, that he would have done it too. In a lot of ways, Carl is our barometer for the new world’s potential. Rick and Lori need him to have a chance at a better life than this road trip through hell — as long as there’s that chance, the fight to survive is worthwhile. Carl becoming a gritty realist is a bad omen for everyone.

In case the first half of the episode wasn’t enough to convince you of the dramatic change in the camp’s overall attitude, Hershel’s built up a pretty good buzz in town and spells it out for Rick “Optimus” Grimes. He was convinced the healing of Carl was a miracle, and Hershel’s a religious fella so that carries some weight. But then with his zombified wife riddled with bullets, “That’s when I realized what an ass I’d been… That’s when I knew there was no hope… There is no hope, and you know it now like I do.”

And thus, like two angels entering Sodom and Gomorrah, a pair of bros from Philadelphia enter the saloon, shocked to find anyone with verbal skills still alive.

They think joining forces is the logical way forward. And if it wasn’t for one of the guys’ dubious past television appearances, I might buy into that idea.

Of course, our protagonists don’t have much interest in being hospitable. And their new Philly friends are just crude, pushy and true-to-form enough to make them feel less hospitable. In the real world, nobody wants to rebuild civilization with Eagles fans. It appears The Walking Dead universe harbors similar safeguar… I mean, prejudices.

Plus, there’s a great little metaphorical poker game going on with all the characters in the bar. Rick and Glenn know they’re dangling by a thread in Hershel’s eyes. Hershel’s fed up with random jackasses making chaos on his property, making him feel like an ass too. Our Philly guys don’t understand that dynamic but do understand that they’ve run into some uptight jerks.

Secretly, everyone realizes that parting ways gracefully isn’t an option. One way or another, it’s going to get ugly.

This is the type of moment that The Walking Dead does best, forcing the audience into the scenario and demanding an answer that’s going to jeopardize some pillar of morality.

After all, how do you politely deny another air-breathing human help in an age of flesh-eating monsters?

Rick answers that question by proving that he’s joined the cynics.

Zombie Survival Topic of the Week
It’s been a long time since maps have factored into traffic accidents, but Lori Grimes brings back the classic when she runs over a zombie and rolls her car in the process. But the question is: What’s the best thing to do if a zombie shambles in front of your car? Speed up? Hit the brakes? Swerve?

Zombie Kill-of-the-Season Nominee of the Week
Andrea gives Momma Greene the ole Grim Reaper treatment.

Mike

The River revolves around the search for Dr. Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood), a famous TV personality and former host of the nature discovery program The Undiscovered Country in which he, his wife Tess (Leslie Hope), his son Lincoln (Joe Anderson) and his crew would explore the farthest corners of globe in search for answers to nature’s greatest mysteries. Each episode of The Undiscovered Country was based on the premise that “There’s magic out there.”

On Dr. Coles last excursion, without his wife or son*, he disappears somewhere in the rivers of the Amazon. After months of searching for him, his family and the nation lose hope and declare him dead until out of nowhere his ship’s beacon sends out a signal.

*Side Note: Throughout the premiere we learn that Dr. Cole’s relationship with Lincoln was/is rocky to say the least and the stress of constant filming led to a strain on his marriage with Tess that would later lead to her cheating on him. It seems her motives to find him are based more on guilt than love.

Once the beacon goes off, Clark Quietly (Paul Blackthorne), the former producer of The Undiscovered Country, enlists Tess and Lincoln to return to the Amazon and search for Dr. Cole promising to fund the entire rescue mission as long as he is able to film the two over the course of the search.

Things move pretty fast in The River. In almost no time at all, Tess, Lincoln, Clark and their crew, consisting of Emilio Valenzuela, Dr. Cole’s former mechanic, his daughter Jahel, AJ, the lead camera man, Sammy, the secondary camera man, and Captain Kurt Brynildson, a mercenary there for protection, discover the beacon under the water and attached to some sort of mangled Richard Dreyfuss shark cage, but alas, no Dr. Cole.

The crew presses on and stops at a small village alongside the river, where a helicopter drops off Lena Landry (Eloise Mumford), the daughter of one of the missing camera men from Dr. Cole’s last excursion. With her, Lena brings a map of a mysterious river known as the “Bouina” where she is convinced Dr. Cole and his boat, the Magus, will be. Before they take off, Jahel warns them in Spanish that the Bouina is evil and that they should not go there, but of course they don’t listen, the show would be pretty boring if they had, right?

Producer: I have this idea for a show called The River. OK, so there is this crew of people in the Amazon looking for this doctor who is missing, but the name of the river sounds scary so they give up.

Network: That sounds boring. What if they didn’t give up, but kept searching?

Producer: Hmmm…

End Scene

Zing. Bang. Boom! And the next thing you know, they’ve found the Magus. Once aboard, they hear banging coming from the ship’s panic room and naturally assume it is Dr. Cole inside. The door is welded shut from the outside, and after a few minutes of power saw action, Capt. Kurt tears down the door to find all kinds of voodoo, hoodoo and weird shit in the room. There’s something under a blanket in the corner, and as Lincoln slowly pulls the blanket off, a ghost-esque creature darts up into the air, flies past the crew, injuring Lena along the way, and disappears into the night.

Jahel, who is apparently the go-to-source on all this creepy crap, tells Lincoln the creature is a spirit hungry for blood, looking to become whole, and now that it has tasted human blood, it is strong enough to hunt them. So, of course, Lincoln is like, “Time to get the hell out of Dodge!” But, the crew’s rafts have been destroyed and the Magus is in no shape to take off, so, they’re forced to remain still while Emilio and Jahel repair the ship’s engine and the spirit taunts them from the jungle. This sequence reminded me quite a bit of Paranormal Activity, which was created by the same people as The River.

Promotional image for either The River or Anaconda VI: The Attack of Regurgitated Jon Voight

Meanwhile, Lena confesses to having been in communication with Dr. Cole throughout his last journey and unveils the location of over 100 tapes he had recorded and copied for her. Tess, Clark, AJ and Lincoln watch some of the tapes and discover that Dr. Cole sort of slipped into madness during this journey. They also discover that it was him and one of the last living members of his crew to trap the spirit inside the panic room.

Eventually the engine starts up, which pisses off the spirit and causes it to wreak havoc on the Magus and the crew. AJ and Sammy grab their cameras to try to get a shot of spirit, which doesn’t end well for Sammy since the spirit whirls him, twirls him and eventually kills him. I haven’t felt that bad for a Sammy since last week’s Jersey Shore! Oh, snap! Shore reference … Cabs are heeeeeere!

Moving on …

Tess starts screaming at the spirit for it to give her a sign that Dr. Cole is still alive while Lincoln tries to trap it similar to the way his father did. The spirit, like the Dude, abides and leaves two scars on Tess’ leg, which indicates Dr. Cole is still alive (look, don’t ask too many questions, OK, Mr. Question Man) and is eventually fended off by Lincoln.

No one seems to be too bothered by the fact that Sammy is dead, or that there are blood-thirsty spirits hunting them, and Lincoln, Tess and the crew intend to continue to search for Dr. Cole and “the magic that is out there.”

Prior to the end of the first hour of the premiere, Clark overhears Kurt on some sort of phone or walkie-talkie telling someone, “If he (Dr. Cole) has found the source, I’ll put him down.” Phew! I was starting to wonder if anyone would have a hidden agenda on The River. Check and check!

Hour II

Hour two of The River was creepay, creepay creepay! Let’s just say it involves dolls. Lots of dolls. Need I say more? I do? Oh, ummm … dolls are scary, yo!

It started with some old Christmas footage from The Undiscovered Country and little Lincoln playing with his teddy bear, Marbeley, and then kicks back into the action and the hunt for Dr. Cole.

During the night, a dragonfly crawls into Jahel’s mouth and seems to possess her in some way. She wakes up Tess in the middle of the night and all of the sudden starts speaking English in Dr. Cole’s voice. You see, apparently Dr. Cole has mastered the dark magic of the Amazon in his time there and can now use small insects to control young Mexican girls. It’s Black Magic 101, baby, and it’s all the rage in the Amazon. Woot! Woot!

So, Dr. Cole via swallowed dragonfly via Jahel tells Tess to leave and take Lincoln immediately, and that the river isn’t safe for them. He also says “they have me,” which indicates he is captured somewhere on the river. Jahel starts shaking violently and eventually Emilio and others break into Tess’ room and get things under control.

By now I hope you understand that your beliefs should be thoroughly suspended, ala Steve Urkel’s pants, prior to watching The River. If not, let the eye rolling commence.

Upon hearing the news of Dr. Cole’s kidnapping. Lena, Lincoln and the crew trace the infection of a bug bite on Dr. Cole’s hands in his videos to establish a timeline as to which is the final video which could then lead to clues of his current whereabouts. Based on clues in the videos, the crew, minus Emilio and Jahel, set off into the jungle to find Dr. Cole.

In the jungle, the crew stumbles upon a graveyard as well as a tree with hundreds of dolls hanging from it. AHHHH!!! Dolls!!!!!

If that doesn't creep you out well, then ... I don't know.

It turns out there is an old Amazon legend of a young girl that drowned while searching for her mother in the jungle and now she drowns those near the river so that she might have some company. Apparently in order to appease and fend her off, tribes and locals present the dolls as gifts to her and tie them on the “spirit tree.” Upon looking over the tree, Lincoln and Tess discover that his teddy bear, Marbeley, is one of the dolls and they interpret this as a sign that Dr. Cole had been there and they are on hot on his trail before untying the bear from the tree and setting up camp for the night.

Later in the night, something grabs Lincoln and tosses him into the jungle. The crew is panicked and tries to run from the tree back to the boat, but they end up going in circles. Kurt decides its because Lincoln stole the teddy bear. Lincoln tries to tie it to the tree a couple of times, but it keeps being thrown off until the tree eventually throws all the dolls down onto the crew.

They start running again when suddenly Tess disappears in the night. Lincoln and the others run to a very shallow river just in time to see Tess being pulled down into the water by a hand. Eventually they determine what the ghost of the girl wants is the company of a mother and perhaps by digging up her mother from one of the nearby graves and putting her corpse into the river that would suffice. The plan works and after a heartfelt plea from Lincoln, the girl returns Tess from beneath the water.

In the end, the crew returns to the Magus without Dr. Cole and Lincoln goes to talk to Jahel. He tries to communicate to his father through her and promises to find him before the dragonfly emerges from Jahel’s mouth and flies out the window. Jahel returns to her normal self and assures Lincoln that Dr. Cole is in fact still alive.

The second hour ends with Lincoln finding an old necklace his father gave him that was given to Dr. Cole by a shaman on one of his journeys. The necklace is meant for a child of great strength which we assume to be Lincoln. However, before the premiere fades to black, we see a flashback of Dr. Cole filming Lena and Lincoln playing on the Magus as children. Dr. Cole zooms the camera onto the back of neck to see what looks to be a birth mark that is identical to the shape/design of the pendant on the necklace.

It’s my guess Dr. Cole knows that Lena is the child of great strength and it is why he remained in closer contact with her than his family because he knew she would be safer than them amidst the dark magic in the Amazon.

Overall, I’d say I enjoyed the premiere of The River quite a bit and it was definitely more Dank than Schwag. Although, I’m not sure at this point if The River was created with the intent to be a mini-series or a full-time TV series and we’ll have to see how the next few weeks pan out before that can be determined.

Unfortunately, the characters aren’t too exciting and the acting was a little corny, but if I’m only going to watch shows or movies with good acting well, then, you know … I ain’t gonna watch much. Good news is there should be enough scare moments in The River to entertain with some elements of mystery thrown in to ensure we tune in each week.

Will it be the next LOST? Probably not. Is that OK? Sure.

Scariest moment of the episode:

The Dolls. Duh.

Mysteries of the episode:

The disappearance of Dr. Cole
The Spanish word Jahel said that couldn’t be translated to English
The “source” mentioned by Kurt in the phone conversation
The birth mark on Lena’s neck

Kevin

Last night’s episode focused not on a Lazarus-esque inmate but rather a prison guard named Guy Hastings back from 1963 and badder than ever. Were told at least seven times, and it felt like 70, throughout the episode that Hastings was a “good man” (there is even a purple heart medal in his cardboard box … yes, the guards have cardboard boxes of stuff as well) but, almost immediately after reappearing, we see him bash in the head of one of the Alcatraz park rangers inside what was his old apartment on the island. He grabs a gun from a hollowed out portion of the apartment’s floor boards and is ready to rock and our roll.

Side Note: Can I ask what seems like an obvious question? Why isn’t the island/prison itself being more closely monitored by Hauser and his team for these inmates/guards? Hastings marked the second time in the shows first five episodes in which we’ve seen one of the 63ers (worst nickname ever) reappear on Alcatraz grounds (Jack Sylvane in the pilot). It would seem if the island itself was under better watch, these should-be crotchety criminals would never be reaching the ferry, let alone the mainland.

Once off the island, Hastings tracks down Ray Archer (Robert Forster … his first appearance since the pilot. Why? I don’t know.), who was one of his guards in training back in the operational days of Alcatraz.  Throughout the flashbacks we see Hastings take Archer under his wing and teach him the ropes of surviving and guarding the most dangerous inmates in the world. Little does Hastings know that Archer is there with a hidden agenda, to help Tommy Madsen (Rebecca’s grandfather … who killed her partner in the pilot) survive if not escape from the prison. Near the end of the flashback scenes we see that Hastings overheard a conversation between Archer and Madsen while the inmate was in the infirmary (recovering from injuries inflicted by Archer in a cell block fight arranged by Hastings).

After kidnapping present-day Archer, Hastings forces him to help him find Tommy Madsen as he is aware of the two’s blood relations. Archer takes Hastings on a somewhat wild goose chase that eventually leads the duo to the home in which Madsen and he grew up in. There Hastings offers the audience its first information on what actually happened the night the inmates and guards disappeared in 1963, saying he was manning a watch tower when fog covered the night sky. He later woke up in the infirmary and was told his family was dead while he and the other survivors were all “contaminated.” Hastings also reference the blood “donations” that have been a reoccurring scene from most episodes until now and indicates that guards and personnel were aware of the mysterious lab tests performed on inmates on the island.

Meanwhile, Doc and Madsen’s detective skills lead them to two pictures of Tommy and Ray as children, both taken on the same stoop. Somehow the kid that works in Soto’s comic book shop is an expert on early San Francisco architecture and points Madsen and Soto to the locale of the home. Once they arrive, there is a brief altercation between Madsen and Hastings before Hauser, as he is apt to do, shows up and ends the tussle.

Once captured, Hastings is given a brief opportunity from a distance to see his now 58 year old daughter with her children and grandchildren before Hauser takes him to the mysterious forest bunker.

Episode 5 ends with Tommy visiting Ray’s bar while he closes up shop. Tommy makes a few threatening references to Rebecca and Ray warns him that if he ever sees him again he will kill him. Where Tommy is off to now or what his goal is, we don’t really know? And, is it just me, or is Tommy the inmate that had been appearing behind the curtain in past flashback scenes that occurred in the infirmary? I couldn’t quite tell.

What we learn from Episode 5 of Alcatraz is that there most definitely is someone behind the mysterious incident as there would be no reason for Hastings to reappear and immediately bash in skulls in a quest to find a should-be 75 year old inmate. It also becomes evident that Tommy Madsen is a key cog in the mystery as it seems as though he is acting on his own agenda, unlike the other inmates/guards. Also, apparently Hauser offered Archer a job nearly 16 years prior in an attempt to gain some sort of connection to Tommy in his investigation. A connection he know has with Rebecca on his team.

Last night definitely focused more on the mythology of Alcatraz more so than any other episode to this point and we now have quite a few questions entering next week including the keys, the mysterious door, Tommy Madsen, the lab tests, the mysterious bunker, seismic activity related to the reappearance of the 63ers (ugh!) and much, much more.

Anyways, let’s just hope Alcatraz isn’t purgatory.

This is Blog! is literally dripping with sarcasm this morning, so while I go clean that off with a brillo pad and some elbow grease, please continue on with our #7 Most Anticipated 2012 Movies. 

Kevin’s #7

Wanderlust, February 24th

If there were such a thing as a “Wainiac” I can assure you I would be one. “What’s a Wainiac?” you ask. Well, let me tell you you dear, inquisitive soul. A Wainiac is the obvious combination of the word “mainiac” with the surname Wain. This is all making perfect sense, correct? No? Perfect.

I like David Wain a lot. That’s what I’m trying to say.

If you don’t know who David Wain is, well, I’m sorry for you in a way that no words can express. Wain is a member of the comedy trio Stella with Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter  as well as the director of Wet Hot American Summer, Role Models and the upcoming 2012 movie, Wanderlust, starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston.

Wanderlust is about a Manhattan couple, George (Rudd) and Linda (Aniston), who is forced to leave the big city after George is downsized from his company. George and Linda plan to move to Atlanta to live with George’s brother, but, on the way, the couple stumbles upon Elysium, a new age, hippie-esque community with an outlook on life completely different from the couple’s previous Manhattan mindset.

Remember For Richer or Poorer with Tim Allen and Kristie Alley? You do? Seriously? Why? Well, anways, think that but much, much funnier/bizarre … hopefully.

It’s my assumption that Wanderlust, similar to Role Models, will be a little more mainstream than some of Wain’s previous endeavors, especially considering Aniston is a part of the cast. I’ll just cross my fingers that Wain remains somewhat true to his Stella roots and Friends fans expecting to see a charming rom-com are disappointed by what could be hilarious, off-the-wall humor.

Wanderlust trailer:

Brian’s #7

Lincoln, fourth quarter of 2012

It’s really quite remarkable, the caliber of acting talent that will draw people out from the drudgery of their daily lives to their local theater…why exactly Adam Sandler continues to have a career should be a required talking point of many a water cooler current events discussion.  In my opinion, there exist a mere number of famous names who, if announced that they’ll be starring in an upcoming film, will almost immediately find themselves added to my highly touted list of “Films I Desperately Need To See As Soon As Humanly Possible, Dammit.”  While you may not find Monkeybone’s Chris Kattan anywhere on said list, there always will be a place firmly reserved for Daniel Day-Lewis, a man who’s been churning out high-quality films for decades (My Left Foot, The Last of the Mohicans, In the Name of the Father) but has seen his greatest success over the past 10 years with brilliant roles as Bill the Butcher in 2002’s Gangs of New York and the mighty Daniel Plainview in 2007’s There Will Be Blood.

Now, under the direction of Steven Spielberg, Day-Lewis seems poised to portray, quite possibly, his most incredible character yet, that of Abraham Lincoln in the obviously titled Lincoln.  Though Spielberg has certainly churned out his share of questionable movies recently (let’s just skip over a certain Indiana Jones sequel, shall we?), the focus of Lincoln seems to revolve around the legendary president’s involvement in the Civil War and eventual assassination, which when paired with Day-Lewis’ sure-to-be epic performance seems like a recipe for non-disaster.  Although no footage or complete plot details have leaked as of yet (which would normally not qualify this film for inclusion on my list), the following set photo of Day-Lewis in full Lincoln makeup has completely grabbed me in a way normally reserved for a film like The Dark Knight.  It’s one of those moments that has actually caused me to slightly overlook the outstanding supporting cast, which includes the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tommy Lee Jones and Sally Field as Lincoln’s wife Mary Todd, making it hard to imagine Lincoln as anything less than spectacular.

Whatever happened to Chris Kattan, by the way?

Unfortunately the actor from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure wasn't available.

Last week we went over numero nine-o (for our bilingual readers) and two weeks ago we covered number 10, and, guess what … one of those films makes a cameo in this week’s #8 addition.

Brian’s #8

Prometheus, June 8

Everything Kevin has said about this movie I will completely agree with.  Can’t wait to see this all-star cast venture into familiar Ridley Scott territory, although I do think the team involved in Prometheus will somehow succeed in finding a way to tie this into the Alien franchise, they’ve even got Michael Fassbender (X-Men: First Class, Inglorious Basterds) playing an android, which strikes me as highly reminiscent of Bishop from Aliens.

Either way, this film looks pretty magnificent and appropriately dark, while still massive at the same time. I can also agree that the film already appears to tap into that void left open by the untouchable Event Horizon and The Abyss.  Sphere tried to do it, but then it ended up horrible.

Prometheus trailer:

Kevin’s #8

Chronicle, February 8th

I know I harped on last year’s movies pretty hardcore in my “Worst of ‘11” list a couple of weeks ago, but could there be any better evidence to support my case than the fact that Melissa McCarthy received an Oscar nomination for her, umm, let’s just say repulsive role in Bridesmaids? It’s possible that I’ve never been more confused of a film’s accolades than those that Bridesmaids has received at this point. But, anyways, I digress…

Chronicle.

Do I think this will be an excellent movie? No. I don’t. But, I do think it could be original. And original is about as rare in Hollywood as a piece of meat cooked correctly at Outback Steakhouse.

Chronicle is about three high school friends who somehow or another (probably not important) inherit or develop superhuman abilities, like flying, moving cars and the ability to kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets. That’s telekinesis, holmes! Tenacious D!

Eventually the powers kind of grab ahold of them and they start using them out of greed, anger and granger until the film likely reaches its climax and all kinds of ridiculous telekinetic crap starts goin’ down.

Why do I think Chronicle could be good? For one, it doesn’t star anyone you’ve ever heard of which means its creators can’t lean on star power to provide ticket sales, but rather quality entertainment. Second, its filmed faux-documentary, home video-esque style ala The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity and I enjoyed all of those movies for the most part. Third, it is in no way associated with Bridesmaids, at least not as far as I can tell.

And really, what more can you ask for than that?

Chronicle Trailer: